Harry Potter and the Pimp's Penguin
by LyssaQuill
Summary: Ridiculous parody about a pimped out Harry before Hogwarts. Rated R because it should be. Just for sh!ts and giggles! R&R! *COMPLETE*


A/N- This is by far the worst fic I have ever written. It is crude, perverted, and the plot is horrific! Hope you enjoy is as much as I did!  
  
Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter or the Dursleys, or The Weasleys, or Professor McGonagall. Everything else in this story I do! :)  
  
Chapter 1 out of 1 because it is too Ridiculous to have a second.  
  
A passed out Harry Potter lay in a heap on the Floor. The previous night's events (a four-hour drinking binge) left him sleeping in a puddle of his own vomit on the floor of the closet by the bathroom, his main living quarters, since he had accidentally set fire to his entire room upstairs. Suddenly there was a loud banging on the closet door,  
  
"Wake up Potter!" An annoyingly high-pitched and squeaky voice called from the hallway, "We're going to the Cheesecake Factory!" The annoying voice giggled shrilly and then skipped down the hall.  
  
Harry opened his eyes groggily. He had a splitting head ache. Immediately his hand flew up to the testicle-shaped scar on his forehead, but that was not the cause of the pains. Slowly, the events of the previous nights started flooding back to him... the beer.. the whores... more beer... more whores... a lot more beer... and some pigeons...  
  
"Ugh.." He groaned as he wiped the puke from his hair and opened the closet door. He walked into the bathroom and took a look in the mirror. Standing before him was a boy of about 11. He had bottle (beer bottle) green eyes that were currently glazed-looking and bloodshot, messy jet- black hair that was never tidy and had little flecks of vomit-chunks left in it, and he was quite short and thin. The testicle shaped scar had been there since he could remember, and the only explanation he had when people asked him how he got it, was "Some guy must have hit me over the head with very sharp genitals."  
  
Harry looked down and noticed he had particularly prominent morning- wood. He had to pee so bad but with a stiffy like that, aiming was difficult, so instead, he stood on the bathroom counter and opened the window which was at ''eye-level'' with his over-excited appendage. "Here's one for the team!" he announced happily as he shot urine atleast 10 feet into his neighboor Mrs. Figg's yard. When he finished relieving himself, he hopped off the counter and strolled casually into the kitchen.  
  
"Yo Uncle Vernon, lookin' fly G!" Harry proceded to do a very cool and complicated gangsta handshake with his big pimp of an uncle who had so much ice around his pudgy neck that if he melted and remolded it, he could probably build an eiffel tower out of silver.. Harry then turned to his aunt Petunia, "Ooo, dam baby! That ass is so fine I just wanna-" At this point Harry reached out and attempted to squeeze the butt cheeks of his aunt, but she slapped his hands away playfully.  
  
"Oh, Harry," she giggled, "you remember what happended last time!" Harry recalled all too well. The last time he had tried anything with his aunt, his extremely obese pansie of a cousin had skipped (causing his man- boobs to jiggle uncontrollabley) into the room and began to cry "No! That's my big-mummy! I want her all for myself! You can't have her!" Dudley then proceded to throw bacon at Harry until he got off of Petunia. They hadn't been able to get together ever since that incident, not to mention the fact that Aunt Petunia started charging by the hour.  
  
Just then, Dudley skipped into the kitchen, "Mummy," he asked in his voice which was way to high-pitched and squeaky than one would expect from a boy of his size, "We are going to the Cheesecake Factory today, right?"  
  
"Ofcourse Duddy-kins!" Aunt Petunia cooed. Harry rolled his eyes. He knew that uncle Vernon and aunt Petunia only put up with Dudley because he was a good shag. Dudley had a mouth on him like a hoover, which probably contributed to his weight problem, as he tended to scarf down food (and other things) at an extremely fast rate. Harry recalled the time when he and the Dursley's had gotten kicked out of the local McDonald's because Dudley was devouring his french fries in an obsene manor. First he licked the tip to get off all of the ketchup, then down the sides and finally he slipped the whole thing into his mouth and...-- Harry was suddenly shocked out of his rather vulgar reverie by a crashing sound coming from his left. He turned to see what it was. What he saw baffled him beyond belief.  
  
There, standing in the middle of the kitchen at number 69 Privet Drive, was the biggest penguin Harry had every seen. It had to be atleast four feet tall, and it's eyes were as large as tea saucers. Clutched in it's massive beak was a letter. Seeing as how all of the Dursley's were now huddled in a corner frightened, Harry stepped forward and took the letter. It was addressed to :  
  
Mr. H. Potter The Closet by the Bathroom 69 Privet Drive Little Wanging, Slurpy  
  
Before Harry had a chance to open it, however, the giant penguin removed its top hat began to speak.  
  
"Hello Mate! I am a messenger, come to bring you a message." The Penguin ruffled it's feathers, puffed out his chest in a very Percy Weasley- like manner ("Wait," Harry thought, "Have I even met Percy yet?" He shook his head and shrugged this little plot-hole off, as the bird had begun to sing.)  
  
"His ass is as sexy as a naked Brad Pitt, He is very talented in bed, I wish he were here, I'll take it up the rear, I'm as horny as my hair is red."  
  
With that, the penguin took a bow and replaced its top hat. Harry was shocked, but also intriguied, "Who the fuck sent me THAT?" he asked incredulousely.  
  
"Oh, right, almost forgot!." The penguin responded and once again removed its hat. He began to dig around in it with his beak, he pulled out a piece of cheese, a dildo, some Celine Dion cassettes, all of which he threw over his shoulder, until he finally found what he was looking for. It was a tampon, which appeared to have been used. He shoved this at Harry.  
  
"Ew!" Harry stepped back disgustedly, "What you tryin ta pull yo? Man, I already gotst Herpes!"  
  
"No! look! Read it." The penguin held the tampon in front of Harry's face ('Smells like cabbage' Harry thought) Harry looked down and realized the crimson blood splotches actually formed words. It read:  
  
"From the Birth Canal of Virginia Weasley-- Although 'virgin' is hardly the proper word to describe the owner of this personalized tampon"  
  
"Dear Harry Potter, I hope this telegram finds you soon. I am just dying for you to come and meet my older brother Ron, become best friends with him, have all kinds of zaney misadventures and eventually, in your 5th year at Genitalwarts (read the letter the bird brought you when you finish this tampon, sugarbuns), come to notice how pretty I will have gotten. But I really can't wait 5 more years so howabout we skip all that and you come over to the Burrow now and I can show you MY Chamber of Secrets! Lot's of Love and Vinerial Diseases, Ginny."  
  
Harry stared at the tampon in disbelief. He turned back to the penguin and asked, "Did she say she takes it up the rear?" The penguin nodded jealously in response. Harry then turned to the Dursleys and said simply, "Well, it's been real, but I gotsta go! There is some major fine puntang waitin' for me at a burrow. Peace!"  
  
And with a snap of his fingers, a vaccum cleaner appeared at Harry's side, and he rode off into the night (ok, I know, it was supposed to be morning and Harry just woke up but since when does this story make any sense?). On his way, he read through the letter.  
  
"Dear Mr. Potter,  
  
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the tighest school of Bitchcraft and Pimpestry, Genitalwarts! We understand that you will be staying with the Weasley's for the remainder of the summer holidays, and we look forward to seeing you this cumming September! Aight?  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall (Most students call me Lady Mc-G) Headmistress of Genitalwarts and Gryffinwhore Head of Hoes"  
  
Harry stared at the letter, a smile creeping up at the corners of his mouth. He had a feeling he would be looking forward to the next 7 years of his pimpin' life.  
  
A/N- Terrible huh? I promise I do NOT usually write crap like this! I was in an odd mood however and I was kind of bored! Please read my other stories! Well, anyway, hope you found this atleast slightly amusing! Flames are welcome! I know this sucked, so feel free to tell me! Thanks for reading!  
  
-LyssaQuill 


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